


Hot Blood

by TheIndifferentDroid



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angry Hux, Angst, Canon Typical Violence, Enemies to Friends, F/M, Feelings, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Lots of it, Lovers To Enemies, Reader probably needs a hug too, Slow Burn, lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-02-15 23:14:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13041534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIndifferentDroid/pseuds/TheIndifferentDroid
Summary: It's not every day you find out your old flame is part of the First Order, but stranger things have certainly happened. Traversing the galaxy with Kylo Ren proves... challenging.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter is based off of a prompt list from tumblr, and I just took off with it from there.
> 
> As we move along, you'll notice some canon information and some divergence. This will be pre-TLJ just based on what plots points I had in my brain before the movie was released. However, it's not solely canon compliant with TFA either. You'll see. 
> 
> I'll update tags as I go.

The room you were being held in was small but spacious, only a single table and chair placed in the middle of the space. The ‘troopers had thrown you in the room after the ship had hauled in your shuttle on the tractor beam. They hadn’t restrained you, however, so you sat completely untethered in this empty room, left to your own devices.

You paced along the back wall of the room like a caged animal. But you weren’t anxious. You’d certainly gotten out of stickier situations. The fact that you were merely thrown in a locked room and were free to move was an advantage itself. 

The door slid open and stopped you in your tracks. By the time you turned to face the door, someone had walked in and shut the door behind them. A familiar sense tugged at the Force. You shrugged it away once you saw who had entered. 

The cloaked figure was tall and menacing, shrouded in back and chrome. A mask covered his face and his voice as he spoke. 

"I thought I’d never see you again."

You scoffed, your lip upturning, unable to keep yourself from sneering at him. You hand patted your side habitually for your saber. "You’ve mistaken me for someone else, Kylo Ren. I’ve never had the honor of meeting you before."

Kylo’s countenance changed, and you could feel he was hurt by your comment. You imagined he’d be a little more thick-skinned. Surely a sarcastic remark by some Jedi scum like yourself shouldn’t affect him. 

The moment that thought crossed your mind, you felt it. Some strange familiarity biting at your mind again. So you entertained it. It would buy you some time, if nothing else. "If," you began. "If we’ve met before, why don’t I remember you?"

"Oh, you remember me," Kylo answered. The distorted voice covered up any inflection he may have tried to give his words. 

His large, gloved hands moved up to his face, and you reacted to his movement by pulling out your light saber. You didn’t ignite it. 

A mechanical noise whirred from Kylo’s helmet. The front of it moved out and lifted up before he removed it completely. 

Dark eyes darted to your hand, gripped around your saber, then his eyes met yours. "You’re always quick to draw, aren’t you?"

"Ben?"

The sound of the name made him wince, but he couldn’t ignore how good it sounded coming from you. "Yes."

You narrowed your eyes at him as your breathing deepened. He had completely changed since the last time you saw him, but somehow his looks were unmistakable. The dark eyes that turned to black in the shadows, the sprinkles of marks on his pale skin, his unnaturally fluffed hair. 

You wanted it to be the same person – the same Ben – that you knew before. But he wasn’t. 

You ignited your light saber and the small room quickly filled with flickering green light. 

Kylo moved slowly to set his helmet down on the table in between the two of you before raising his hands. "I’m not going to hurt you."

You stood still, the tight grip on your saber causing your hand to shake. "No, you’ve managed to do that already. Don’t worry."

Kylo’s face was stern and you could see the hurt in his eyes and feel it radiating off of him. He was never good at containing his emotions. 

Moments passed in silence, so you spoke up again. "Why am I here, then?"

"I..." he began, then stopped, rethinking. "You were near. I could sense it. And I wanted to see you again. So-"

"So you hijacked my shuttle and are holding me hostage. It’s incredibly romantic." You scoffed loudly, making sure he caught every bit of sarcasm. 

"You’re free to go. If you want."

You glared at him across the room. "You’ll just let me leave?"

His hands shook as he pulled at his hair. Moments later, he swiped his arm across the table and sent his helmet flying into the wall. The anger didn’t come across in his words. His voice was quiet and shaky. "I don’t want to make you stay. You meant too much to me. You still do. I know I’m being selfish. I just wanted to see you again," he said dejectedly. 

The door opened and he walked out into the hall and left the door open behind him. He really was letting you leave. 

You deactivated your light saber and holstered it. Your body was shaking from the quick turn of events. In minutes, you’d been scared for your life and been reunited with your lost love only to find out who he really is. You were dizzy with conflicting emotions. 

As you walked around the table, you picked up the helmet off the floor. It was heavy and ice cold against your fingers and radiated a mess of feelings left behind by its owner. "What happened to you, Ben?" you whispered. 

You placed the helmet on the table and cautiously stepped out into the hallway, choosing the direction you vaguely remembered coming from. 

You were nearly back to the hangar bay, with no sign of any First Order officers let alone Kylo, when you heard footsteps approaching you from behind. As you sped up, so did the steps, and they closed in on you before you could figure a way out. 

There was no verbal warning, no inquiry about your identity, just gloved hands gripping your arms. 

You reacted violently, ripping your right arm free and whipping your elbow behind you. It came in contact with the man’s face and sent his hat flying off. A shock of red hair glinted in your periphery. Before you could make another move, your face was pressed against the cold metal of the walls, and your right arm was pulled behind your back. Pain shot through your shoulder. The man leaned his shoulder into you, insuring you couldn’t move. Your saber hung useless from your hip. 

The whole altercation was over before you could make sense of it all. 

A few heavy breaths blew from the man’s chest before he spoke. You turned your head enough to get look at him, and you could see his nose was bloodied from the one hit you managed to get on him. 

He whispered to himself. His accent exaggerated his frustration. "We let prisoners roam the halls now, do we? Hells, I have to do everything myself-"

His words stopped suddenly and his grip on your arm loosened. The pressure on your body disappeared as something large crashed into the opposite wall of the hallway. 

"She is not a prisoner, Hux."

You pushed yourself off the wall and turned to survey the scene. Your attacker was pressed against the wall a few feet across from you, his pale face becoming paler by the second. His hands attempted to tug at invisible restraints around his throat. 

Kylo stood down the hall, hand outstretched. 

"Ren," the officer strained. You examined his uniform, and quickly determined he was highly ranked, which likely would explain why he seemed angry at Kylo instead of terrified of him. It wouldn’t surprise you if this were a common occurrence. 

Your eyes met Kylo’s down the hall as he kept Hux pinned to the wall. "Y/N, please don’t go. We’re meant for each other."

You and the officer scoffed simultaneously. It was strangely satisfying to see eye to eye with the adversary on such a personal topic. 

"Maybe you should have considered that before you killed all of our friends."

Hux choked out some semblance of a laugh. It was hard to tell if he found humor in Kylo’s misfortune or the fond memory of so many dead Jedi. You let the thought escape from your mind. 

Suddenly, Kylo released his Force hold and Hux dropped heavily to the floor. He bent over on his knees, forcing raspy breaths. He spoke in a pained voice. "You kriffing fool. She’s not going to join you." He paused to cough. "Kill her and get this liability off of my ship."

"No!" Kylo screamed, the guttural sound bouncing off the cold hallway walls. With a wave of his hand, he sent Hux’s back against the wall, sitting him up right and knocking the air out of him. 

In the commotion Kylo had caused, you wielded your saber and ignited it, sending both men’s gazes to shoot at you at the sound. 

"Don’t go, Y/N," Kylo pleaded. “Stay here. With me.” You could still see Ben in there, somewhere, but he was hidden. Too well. 

"You made your decision a long time ago, Ben." You paused, taking a deep shuttering breath. "Now let me make mine."

You strode across the hall and stood in front of Hux as he slouched, helpless and weak, against the wall. You angled your saber at his chest. You glared at the officer, but spoke to Kylo. 

"I want the halls cleared. I want my shuttle back. I’d like to not get shot at as I’m leaving. And if you say one more word about _us_ , I won’t hesitate to rid the First Order of their beloved general."

For the position he was in, Hux kept his composure. "Ren, end this now. That’s an order!”

“Ha. You take orders from _this_ guy?” you asked, gently pressing the tip of your light saber into Hux’s shoulder.

“Ren!” Hux screamed, pain and worry finally overcoming his sharp features. “Now!”

“Fine!” Kylo’s voice carried down the hall, finally drawing your gaze to him.

You looked at him quizzically, unsure of whose request he was agreeing to.

“Let’s go,” he said suddenly.

“What?” you asked.

“Excuse me?” Hux’s voice cracked simultaneously.

“I’m getting you out of here,” Kylo said quickly, reaching to his side to arm himself with his saber. “And I’m coming with you.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll have a proper summary once I have more of a plot in mind!
> 
> Well, I think I’ve found my new multi-part fic! I have a vague idea of where this will go, but I believe it’ll be a wild ride. Enjoy! Any feedback is appreciated.

"Hold on, Y/N! I’m coming with you," Ben called. 

 You turned to see him running up the hill, trying to catch up, his long, lanky legs moving him effortlessly up the steep incline. You didn’t wait up for him.

"Ben, I’m going to meditate. I don’t need company."

"Ah," he said, pausing to take a few deep breaths, having finally caught up with you. "See. That’s where you’re wrong."

You ignored him but caught a sideways glance at him when you thought he wasn’t looking.

"Alright," Ben said, his tone softening a little. Still moving forward, he extended his arm to rest it over your shoulder and pull you closer to him. "Maybe you don’t need company, but you could use some help."

You turned your head to look at Ben, desperately trying to ignore how close you were to him. The dimming sunlight played with his features, casting deep shadows across his face.

He stopped walking, and you slowed to a stop with him. He turned to face you completely, and his arm slid over your back, but he left his hand there, squeezing your shoulder gently. You suddenly wondered if it would ever get easier to look at him. 

When he spoke again, his voice was timid. "I noticed you’ve been struggling a little. With the lessons. I mean, not that I’ve been watching you, or anything." He stopped short with a huff, running his other hand through his hair, catching the braid at the base of his neck and twirling it on his finger absentmindedly. "What I’m trying to say is... if you want help meditating, I can... I can help. If you want me to."

You felt your cheeks redden, but you tried to play it off. "Why do I feel like you'd be more of a distraction than a benefit, Ben Solo?"

To your disappointment, Ben pulled his hand off of your shoulder quickly, feigning offense. "Oh, I distract you, do I?" His confidence was surprisingly present again.

"You know what I mean! Don't get too full of yourself."

"It's a little late for that, don't you think?"

You huffed. "Stars, you are your father's son."

Ben eyed you dangerously, though you still saw a playful sparkle in his eye. So you decided to push a little further. "Han, Junior."

Ben took off quickly back down the hill. "Alright. That's enough."

You chuckled and called to him as he walked away. "Hey! About that lesson."

Ben stopped, his head snapping back to look up at you. His eyes were hopeful and endearing. 

"This time tomorrow?"

The corners of his lips twitched slightly, and you could tell he was stifling a bigger smile. "Whatever you say, princess."

A guttural scream dragged you up from depths of your distraction.

You looked down. The tip of your light saber had just disappeared into the general’s shoulder. You didn’t move. It wouldn’t kill him, which was a fate far more generous than he deserved. 

You shook your head, trying desperately to clear your mind. The memory you had was so clear. You couldn’t remember the last time you had recalled any of your days from the temple as vividly as you had just now. You looked at Kylo - Ben - and he was staring at you, that same hopeful look in his eyes as he had had in them so many years ago. 

"What do you mean?" you asked slowly.

"I mean what I said; I’m coming with you."

On instinct alone, you removed your saber from Hux’s shoulder to guard yourself, the green light humming between you and Kylo. 

"You’re not coming with me."

"You’re never going to get out of here by yourself," Kylo pleaded. "If we take my shuttle–if you let me come with you–we might have a chance."

You stared at him for a beat, considering. "How do I know you won’t just bring me back here?"

"You just have to trust me."

Kylo’s eyes were even more pleading now. He looked tired, drained. Was this what the First Order had done to him? He was merely a shell of the man, the boy, you had known. He looked like he needed a break. He needed rest. He needed to go home. 

Suddenly, you felt a tugging on your leg. Your feet fell out from beneath you, and your back hit the cold metal ground hard. It rattled your bones and your head ached instantly. You leg was being pulled, one hand wrapped tightly around your ankle. You sat up just enough to see Hux using his one good arm to drag you towards him. His coat sleeve was displaced by your boot; a blade glinted viciously beneath his wrist. 

The air sang with electricity. A sharp crack sounded as red, pulsing light bounced off the walls. Kylo’s saber was raised above his head momentarily before he brought it down with a throaty growl. You closed your eyes and shielded your face, and you could feel the energy prickling at your leg as his light saber passed by it. Something sizzled eerily above the din of the saber before being drowned out by a scream far worse than you’d ever heard.

When you opened your eyes, Hux was doubled over, a few feet away from where his hand lay next to your ankle. 

"Ren!" Hux screamed, the name drawing out into an incomprehensible sound. 

Kylo approached you, strutting right past the officer screaming his name. He reached out a hand to you. His saber was still activated and glowing in the other. "I’m not coming back. Let’s go."

You didn’t take his hand, instead pushing yourself up off the ground. You started at a quick pace down the hall and reactivated your saber. The whirring of the TIE fighters echoed down the hall, and you knew you were getting close to the hangar. A hand grasped your arm before you could go any further. You spun around ready to swing your light saber at a moments notice.

"It’s just me," Kylo said, meeting your eyes. 

His hand felt like hot coal against your arm, even through his gloves and over your sleeve. His touch was stern and strong but you could feel the comfort flowing off of him in waves. It had been so long since you had contact with Ben, or even been in his presence; you’d forgotten what his energy felt like or how strong an attachment you had ever had to him. 

You had to remind yourself that this wasn’t Ben; that, if given the chance on any other day, you would have gladly sunk your saber deep into the heart of Kylo Ren. You weren’t here to help him escape. If he happened to get out while helping you, then that was on him. 

Kylo blinked to break your gaze, squeezing your arm before letting go. "I’ll go first. Follow me."

He stepped in front of you, his large frame eclipsing the bright lights in the hanger. He turned off his saber and holstered it. "Pick up your saber. You won’t need it."

You balked at him. "Why should I –"

"Do you want to attract attention to yourself?" he asked, turning slightly to face you. 

You complied, mumbling curses under your breath. You swore you could see a smile creep on his face before he strode out into the bay. 

There was a spattering of troopers throughout the vast chasm that was the hangar, none of which seemed to care about the two of you. Kylo avoided the designated lanes, cutting a shortcut through the lines of fighters, ducking under ladders and fuel lines. He moved swiftly, his heavy cloak swaying behind him. 

He finally slowed once you reached the opposite end of the hangar and approached a fighter. It was different than the rest: the ends were long, pointed and sleek as opposed to the flat wings of the other TIEs. It was menacing. You probably could have assumed it belonged to Kylo. 

He gestured for you to ascend the ladder, and you began to climb, until you reached the top. Peering into the cockpit, you scoffed and looked down to Kylo who was right behind you on the ladder. 

"This is barely big enough for  _you_. How are we both going to fit?"

"Just get in."

You began to look around the hangar for your ship, pointing it out to Kylo. "There. There’s my shuttle. Why can’t we take that?"

"Y/N, now is not the time. As soon as someone finds Hux’s sorry self in the hall, we’re going to be wanted men."

You stopped, one foot in the fighter. "‘We?’ Oh no, you’re not dragging me into this. I’m not – ”

A blaster bolt cut through the air, scorching the metal of the vehicle just above your head. "Kriff –"

"Go," Kylo yelled. "Now!"

He pushed a hand against your back as you continued to step into the ship, careful not to step on any controls. He kept his hand on your back as he made his way up. Another blaster bolt sounded and Kylo hurried in trying to evade it. The motion sent you tripping over the seat, landing awkwardly on the other side. 

"Son of a -" Kylo screamed, a loud groan escaping his lips as he fought to shut the door quickly behind him. "They hit me."

Panic burst in your chest, a deeper worry than you had already been feeling. You tried to sit up, leaning across the seat. "Where? Let me see."

"Move!" Kylo bellowed as he fell into the seat. You leaned back as much as you could without disturbing any of the controls, but your knees were still pressing into Kylo’s space at odd angles. 

The fighter roared to life as the blaster bolts began to accumulate, more troopers appearing as word got out and the noise of the engine called attention to itself. Kylo leaned forward to engage a switch, leaving a shiny streak of blood along the back of the seat. 

You kept your eyes on him, trying to ignore the chaos of the hangar bay just outside. The fighter shook as Kylo unleashed his own artillery on the ‘troopers, blowing most of them away as he took off. The forward motion of the shuttle pushed Kylo back in his seat, and he winced. 

"Are you okay?"

You saw his eyes flash your way just briefly, as if to see where the sound had come from. "Ask me again in five minutes. I’m a little busy."

You rolled your eyes. Typical Ben. 

You sat in silence for a few minutes more, watching Kylo in awe. He was an incredibly skilled pilot, all the more impressive as he blew his old allies out of the sky. You shook with a chill wondering if he would turn on you as quickly as he had the First Order. That would be a question better suited for when you weren’t in such close quarters. 

Once the TIEs had seemingly been eliminated, you relaxed back against the console as much as you could and inquired about Kylo’s state again. 

"Not important," he quipped. "They’ll send more fighters soon enough. We need to get out of here. What are the coordinates for the base?" he asked, beginning to pull up the nav system. 

You leaned forward to read his face. "What base?"

"The base," he repeated, cocking his head to look at you. "The Resistance..." He trailed off when he saw the blank expression on your face. "You’re not with the-"

"I’m not with the Resistance," you said plainly. 

Kylo’s eyes finally met yours. The cockpit was dark, only the lights from the console illuminating his face from below, casting deep shadows around his eyes. His brow furrowed, concealing his eyes further in the darkness. They were usually his easiest tell, but he was so hard to read here, now, so close. 

"Who?" he began, confused enough to leave off the rest of his question. You knew what he wanted to know, though. 

You took a deep breath. "I’m not with the Resistance," you repeated. "I’m... not with anyone. I’m a bounty hunter."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After narrowly escaping The Finalizer, you and Kylo venture onwards. Turns out, getting out alive may have been the easier part of your journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge shout out to [itsaconquestofimagination](https://itsaconquestofimagination.tumblr.com/) for beta reading and generally dealing with my nonsense.  
> I'm also going to edit the tags as I go.

Kylo was suddenly and strangely pulled from the inside of his fighter. His body was very much present but his mind was somewhere else entirely. Somewhere sunny. He felt warm and energized and an inexplicable calm buzzed around him, the likes of which he hadn’t felt in years. In his mind, his surroundings were in a haze, just barely out of focus, but you weren’t. The image of you was sharp and crisp. He could see every mark on your face, the minuscule creases at the corners of your eyes, the deepened color in your cheeks that he only now realized very likely wasn’t from the sun.  
  
"Ren!"  
  
As quickly as the memory had appeared, it was pulled away. But Kylo ached to have it back, fighting this sudden interruption of his subconscious. It was a tease to have such a short snapshot of it, flashing in his mind before he had a chance to reach out and grab it. But then he realized he was with you. The real you, not some old memory somehow dredged up from the cobwebs of his old life.  
  
"Ren!"  
  
Kylo jumped in his seat, his head swiveling quickly to look your way, now fully removed from his flashback and seated firmly in his fighter. He stared at you in a daze. The present version of you was different. You weren’t the same girl his mind has so sharply shown him. There were no happy creases near your eyes, only deep lines in your forehead as you glared at him. Your lips were a thin, taught line, with no trace of a smirk.  
  
Your scoff completely broke him from the trance he was in. "Care to pilot your shuttle or do I need to take over?"  
  
"What did you call me?" he asked, paying no mind to your slight.   
  
You huffed and looked away, distracting yourself with adjusting how you were seated against the console. "I called you Ben, because that’s your name. I know you don’t like it, but –"  
  
"You’ve changed," he grumbled.  
  
You stopped fidgeting and slowly craned your neck to look at him. "Excuse me?"  
  
"You’ve changed," Kylo repeated, his inflection as plain as before.  
  
"You, of all people, do not get to say that," you spat.  
  
Kylo busied himself with the controls on the TIE unnecessarily. "You’re a bounty hunter."  
  
"And you’re the First Order’s kriffing attack dog. Now, if we’re done being redundant, we need to get planetside so–"  
  
"Was," Kylo interrupted.  
  
"What?"  
  
Kylo slammed a fist onto the arm of his seat farthest from you. You could feel his untamed emotion pushing off of him in waves. It felt something like frustration. "Was!" he repeated. "I  _was_  with the First Order. Not anymore." He took a deep breath as he slowly processed the finality of his words. "Not anymore."  
  
"Well, good for you," you said, giving his shoulder three solid slaps in mock praise.  
  
Kylo seethed under your touch, jerking away hastily. You registered what happened when your hand came away warm and wet. "I forgot about –. I didn’t mean –. Let me look at it."  
  
Kylo gritted his teeth and sat forward, avoiding both you and the back of his seat. "No. Like you said, we need to get planetside. I’m sure they’re tracking us."  
  
"And I need a ship."  
  
Kylo hummed an acknowledgement.  
  
The cab of the fighter fell silent after that, and you were thankful for the short reprieve. As much as you hated arguing with Ben when you two were kids, it was even worse now; Kylo seemed to be Ben in hyperdrive. It reminded you of your time back at the temple and the silence that would last for hours but felt like days. Sometimes it was self-inflicted, other times it was by Luke’s recommendation.  
  
But all too soon the current silence was overbearing, no longer a relief. You were hyper aware of the awkwardness of the situation, and it was hard to tell if you were actually as anxious as you felt or if you were receiving feedback from Kylo. You closed your eyes in an attempt to concentrate solely on yourself. The whirring of the fighter echoed through the small cockpit, but you could still hear your heartbeat in your ears. You tried your best to slow it, but you were wound up too tightly. The more you tried to calm down the worse you felt. Your breaths became short and shaky; your jaw was clenched so tightly your face began to throb. Anger and fear and something else boiled through your blood. It was hard to pinpoint. There was an ache beginning in your chest, and it eclipsed the pain in your head. You felt hollow, like you were crumpling in on yourself. Your eyes burned beneath tightly closed lids, and the taste of iron filled your mouth.  
  
Your eyes flew open. That was a black hole you didn’t need to get swept into. You took a deep, shuddering breath and noticed it played in Kylo’s hair just a foot away. His sharp profile, familiar yet equally foreign, dominated your vision. If he felt you staring, he allowed it. Your eyes traced along the strong curvature of his nose–the bane of young Ben’s existence. You tried to catch a glimpse of the ears that you had so fondly remembered, but his overgrown hair obstructed them. By design, you imagined. Regardless, the length actually suited him.   
  
"Can I help you?" Kylo asked.   
  
"What? No,” you stammered. “Sorry." You bit your lip; apologizing was unnecessary. You tasted iron again and let go.   
  
"Sure thing."  
  
You closed your eyes again quickly, trying to direct your concentration elsewhere, and you noticed your heartbeat finally returned to a sustainable rate.   
  
You diverted your gaze out the viewport now instead of at Kylo. The black chasm ahead of you only enhanced the silence with nothing to distract you. The fighter was quickly approaching a planet, and you tried to read the distance on the display, but it was too small. Either way, you had to choose between awkward silence and conversation for the rest of the journey, however long that would be.  
  
Silence, you decided, was destructive.   
  
"So," you began. Stars, what would you even talk about? What did you have in common anymore? Politics probably wasn’t a good topic. His parents, maybe. Though you doubted he kept tabs on them. It’d be a starting point, though. A common interest. "Uh, how’s your–"  
  
"Don’t," Kylo interrupted.   
  
You returned your gaze back to Kylo from the viewport. "Don’t what?"  
  
"You don’t have to pretend to be interested in small talk. It’s awkward. You hate me. I get it."  
  
"I don’t–" You cut yourself off but it was too late.   
  
Kylo’s eyes darted over to you briefly as he continued to program in some coordinates. "You don’t hate me?"  
  
Heat suddenly ascended your face, reaching the tips of your ears. You don’t know where the words came from. Of course you hated Kylo. You hated the First Order, no matter how well they paid. And you hated what Ben did.   
  
But Ben. You didn’t hate Ben, did you?  
  
"I refuse to get into this right now," you answered.   
  
"I need to get out of here," Kylo mumbled after a brief silence.   
  
You opened your mouth to retort, but quickly clenched your jaw. There was no use arguing, no use reminding him that he was the reason you were in this mess in the first place. There would be another time for that if you didn’t ditch him the moment you got planetside, and the probability for that was increasing steadily.   
  
"Can’t you just," you paused and gestured wildly, "punch us into hyperdrive or something? So we can lose them?"  
  
Kylo stared straight ahead, trying his best not to make eye contact. "I can’t."  
  
"I’m not blind, Ben. The lever is right–"  
  
"I can’t lose them that way. We–." He cut himself off. " _They_. They can... track us that way, too."  
  
"The First Order has hyperspace tracking?" you asked, your voice echoing loudly in the small chamber.   
  
Kylo was silent, only tilting his head to half-heartedly acknowledge your statement.   
  
"Son of a bantha."  
  
"The quicker we land, the quicker we can lose them," he said, ignoring your reaction. The planet was now quickly approaching, its topography making itself visible. "And the quicker I can get out of here."  
  
You scoffed. "I know you aren’t claustrophobic."  
  
"I’m not. I just don’t want to–"  
  
"To be around me," you finished. "Got it."  
  
You watched him closely again as he piloted, preparing for the descent through atmo. The ship shook slightly, rattling your unrestrained body, and your feet tingled beneath you having fallen asleep from sitting on them in such a strange position for so long. The closer you got to the planet, the faster the ground seemed to be approaching. Buildings began to appear beneath you, amorphous shapes turning into sharp objects, and streets and alleys began piercing through the landscape like cracks. Suddenly, a new pang of fear broke in your chest  
  
"Shouldn’t we avoid the city?" you asked hurriedly.  
  
"The planet does a lot of business with the Order," Kylo said, nonchalant. "They see our ships down here on a daily basis. As long as we move quickly, no one should know to look out for us yet."  
  
"Right."  
  
"You don’t trust me," Kylo said. He almost sounded amused, as if his frustration had been wafted away by the clouds. Typical.  
  
You stared at his profile waiting for him to look at you, but he wouldn’t turn his head. You hated how you noticed his nose suited his face much better now; that was irrelevant. "Just land the damn ship."  
  
"Sure thing, princess."  
  
You opened your mouth to rebut, but the words disappeared between your brain and your lips, your mouth drying up as it hung gaping.   
  
Kylo maneuvered the ship towards a landing pad near the outskirts, away from much of the bustle of business that took place at the city center. At least Kylo was smart in that regard. However, you couldn’t help but notice how empty the area was otherwise.   
  
"It’s going to be hard for me to steal a ship if there aren’t any ships to steal."  
  
"Don’t worry. I know a place."  
  
You rolled your eyes out of view and held your breath until the ship came to a stop. "Alright! Out!" you barked the moment you felt the fighter hit solid ground. "I can’t feel my legs. Let’s go."  
  
"Patience," Kylo drawled, and moved his hand slowly to the controls. "I have to let the thrusters wind down." He flipped a switch casually. "Then, I can power down the engines." Another switch was flipped agonizingly slow. "And now," he reached for the handle on the door and paused, "once I’m sure the door is clear of obstructions or hostiles, I can–"  
  
"Open the damn hatch, Solo."  
  
He finally looked at you, and you steeled yourself for a vicious glare that never came. His eyes were the softest you’d seen them yet, his eyebrows raised highly above them. It seemed that since the ship landed, he was a lot more relaxed. "Patience. Remember your training," he chided again.  
  
Before you could stop yourself, your hand flew to his injured shoulder. He winced, but it was just an overreaction; you weren’t applying any pressure. Yet. "I swear, Ben, I am not above stepping on you to get out of here." You closed your fingers around his shoulder just slightly. "Now move."  
  
You wanted to slap the look off of Kylo’s face. You stowed away a mental note for later that–much as he had years ago–Ben thrived on getting you riled up. The smirk on his face confirmed he still enjoyed it, and as beautiful as it may have been, you preferred not to be the means by which that occurred.  
  
You tightened your grip once more, and this time you were sure he felt it when his brows started to pinch slightly.   
  
"Well?" you asked.   
  
"I was hoping you’d step on me."  
  
Your hand flew off of Kylo’s shoulder as if he were suddenly made of hot coal. "Stars, Ben! Seriously?"  
  
"Fine. I’m going. I’m going."  
  
As he turned away from you to open the hatch, you could have sworn you heard a deep chuckle rattle from his chest. You acted like it wasn’t the best sound you’d heard in years.   
  
You didn’t pretend to know where you were, or what cycle it was, if the small crowds in the street were typical or not. You just walked, sometimes close to Kylo, sometimes not. He stuck out of the crowd, unsurprisingly enough. You’d managed to convince him to leave behind his cape or cloak or whatever he had called it, but his all-black ensemble underneath wasn’t much better. The residents on the streets wore neutral tones in light, flowy fabrics that played in whatever breeze the tall buildings allowed. Kylo moved amongst the crowd starkly, his body rigid in the otherwise languid sea of bodies.   
  
Kylo felt almost as out of place as he looked. He’d been planetside more than he had liked, sent down for mission after mission. The only difference now was that he was more exposed not having the protection his mask had previously afforded him. But it didn’t bother him nearly as much as being with you did. He meant what he’d said back on the TIE; you’d changed. And even though you felt like a completely different person, being around you still made his insides twist uncomfortably.  
  
Longing to open up the line of communication again, Kylo spoke after a few blocks of walking in silence.  
  
"There’s a central hub," he began, answering an unasked question. "Downtown. I’ve flown into there a handful of times. You should be able to find what you need."  
  
"Great. The sooner I can leave this rock, the better."  
  
"I imagine you’ve done this before."  
  
"I mean, I don’t make it a habit of losing my own ship," you said defensively. "But yes, I have done this before. I can manage, if that’s what you’re asking."  
  
Kylo looked at you sidelong as he continued to walk next to you. "I never said you couldn’t."  
  
You fell silent after that much to Kylo’s dismay. It seemed the more he talked the further he drove you away, never able to say the right things or ask the right questions. He’d become so used to taking orders from Snoke and ignoring literally anyone else that he managed to forget how to conduct a proper conversation.   
  
You took advantage of the dead end banter to walk ahead of Kylo. He gave you a few paces distance but steadily maintained it, making sure you didn’t get too far ahead of him. You were hyper aware of his presence behind you. You could almost feel it, buzzing like electricity when you got too far away or if a stranger turned a corner too quickly. While you couldn’t feel Kylo in your mind–you’d checked, multiple times–you wondered if he was trying to get in some kind of way.   
  
There was a strange feeling about the city. On the surface, it was warm and inviting. The round walls of the buildings jutted out above the walkways in places, and the afternoon suns cast strange, dream-like shadows into the street below. There was something else, though. Some underlying feeling that tugged in your chest uncomfortably. It wasn’t the eerily empty alleys, or the far away wails of strangers, or even the callers on the corners. All of that was fine, almost familiar, but uncomfortably so.   
  
"This is just like Nu’al," you said, turning your head to speak back towards Kylo.   
  
He jogged a few steps to match your pace, but said nothing.   
  
"All this old, pre-Imp architecture," you continued, "before everything got all boxy and stuffy. A little dodgy in places. A little high end in others. It just hit me. It’s just like Nu’al."  
  
Kylo hummed, sounding inquisitive.   
  
"You don’t remember it, do you?"  
  
The guilty look on Kylo’s face was endearing. "I – I don’t think I’ve ever been there."  
  
"Well, you’re not wrong. I don’t think you’ve ever been, either. But you’ve seen it. I know you have."  
  
Kylo stopped short at a crossing, throwing his arm out in front of you just as a First Order regulation droid flew by on a speeder. There was an ear-splitting wail that slowed and drowned out as it disappeared down the street.  
  
You nodded in thanks when Kylo look down at you.   
  
"Anyway. No, you’ve never been to Nu’al. But," you paused, deciding how much you should divulge. "I showed you. Back at, you know, the temple. You wouldn’t stop asking me questions about where I was from, so I just-"  
  
"You showed me," Kylo repeated with a hint of curious inflection in his voice.   
  
"You don’t remember."  
  
" _This_  isn’t Nu’al is it?"  
  
Your steps stuttered but you kept up with Kylo’s long strides on weakening knees. "No. No, it’s not." You paused, concentrating on your footing. "It was on Cardota."  
  
Kylo felt like he should know what that meant. You seemed to have added the last part by means of answering his question, but he didn’t understand, and he didn’t feel like asking again. He didn’t care to know what else he might have forgotten.   
  
An odd hum echoed through the buildings suddenly. Up ahead, the opening at the end of the street was alive with movement. A breeze blew down the alley, carrying with it the warm smell of smoked meat and bread, causing your stomach to clench involuntarily, sick with anxiety and hunger.   
  
"Stay close," Kylo warned. He grabbed lightly at your elbow to escort you forward.   
  
"Shouldn’t be difficult," you said, throwing him a half-hearted grin.   
  
As the distance closed between you and what you presumed was town square, the street became increasingly crowded. People trickled out of the busy epicenter and diluted into the dusty alleyways.  
  
"Can’t we just go around?" you asked, attempting to mask the nervousness in your voice.  
  
"The market is huge. It would take too long."  
  
"Fine," you huffed, straightening your posture and taking one last, large step towards the madness.  
  
Kylo’s grip tightened on your arm. "Wait. Do you have any valuables on you?"  
  
"Only this hunk of metal," you quipped sarcastically, patting your lightsaber hanging at your hip. "Why?’  
  
"You, uh, might want to keep an eye on it."  
  
Raising two fingers to your temple, you sloppily saluted him. "Got it."  
  
How the locals moved so effortlessly through the crowd you’d never understand, even after fighting your way through for what seemed like half an hour. There was almost a current that did nothing but work against you. Even Kylo, as muscular and broad as he was, was no match for the ebb and flow of the throngs. He was behind you, but still kept a strong grip on your arm. You were sure it’d be nearly impossible to get separated from him, but the contact wasn’t as unsettling as you had anticipated.   
  
Pushing mindlessly through the masses allowed you to take in your surroundings. While the rest of the city reminded you of back home, this market was decidedly different. You’d never seen anything like it. Thin, colorful tapestries were strung overhead, spanning the width of the market as far as you could see. You were unsure if they were for sale or merely for shade. Food vendors pushed their carts through the crowd, steam and smoke broadcasting their location to any potential customers. Transactions were made quickly and unceremoniously. Your hand itched to reach out and snag a meat kabob off a passing cart, more than once, but you busied your hand with checking on your saber each time. There was no need to draw attention to yourself, as hungry as you may have been.  
  
Kylo was right; this place was too big to bypass. You were nearly to the far end of the market, but you’d seen no end to your left or right. It seemed to go on for miles.   
  
The crowd became more relaxed as you reached what you assumed was the edge of the square. Kylo’s grip on your arm had become less severe, but his guard was still up, you’d noticed. He wasn’t any less anxious; he was distracted.   
  
"You alright?" you asked, leaning into him just slightly, shouting above the din of the voices and disembodied music.   
  
Kylo’s jaw clenched as he shook his head.   
  
"Do you need to stop for a minute?" You couldn’t speak for Kylo, but you had become increasingly uncomfortable in the heat, even with the shade from the buildings.   
  
No words again, just another vague dissent as he let go of your arm completely and lengthened his stride to push forward ahead of you.   
  
"Is it your shoulder?" you called out to him, unsure if he could even still hear you. "You never let me look at it."  
  
Kylo stopped abruptly and immediately turned to face you. If you hadn’t expected him to do just that, you likely would have run into him. But even though this was Kylo, he still had Ben’s predictable temper.   
  
Kylo leaned down over you to speak into your ear. You looked at the ground to prevent your face from being buried in his chest, but you still felt it press against the top of your head. Feet scurried by, detouring around the roadblock you’d made, kicking up sand from the dry clay streets. Kylo’s boots and had already transformed into a brownish black, their uniform shine long gone.   
  
"No, I’m not alright," Kylo spoke deeply. "But I’m the longer I stand around explaining myself, the worse I’ll be. Now keep up."  
  
Before you could compose a response, Kylo turned to push through the masses again. You watched as his body was swallowed by the throngs, but his dark head of hair towered over everyone else. It floated gracefully, keeping steady pace towards wherever he had decided to take you. Part of you wanted to see how long it would take him to feel your absence. A while, likely, both from the sudden lack of Kylo’s awareness and the excess interference. The other part of you wanted to try something. Just for kicks.   
  
You knew exactly how long it had been since you’d done this. Maybe not down to the day, but you knew the numbers in months and years at the very least.  
  
You closed your eyes. Concentrated. Tried as best you could to ignore the shoulders pushing past you, the artificially created breeze of bodies, the stench of too many people. You reached out, as far as you could, until you sensed that tall beast of a man who was still–of course–walking away from you.   
  
 _Ben!  
  
_ You thought as loud as you could, your closed eyes squinting even more tightly shut with the effort. But no sound left your lips. You startled no one with your strained voice. Only him, screaming into his head as privately as if you’d whispered into his ear.   
  
You opened your eyes and your surroundings flooded back into your senses. Blinking to adjust to the sun again, you looked out down the street. Kylo had stopped, finally, but you could still only see the back of his head. Maybe it hadn’t worked. Maybe he’d only been waiting for you to bump into him or grab his arm or skirt past him.   
  
 _Ben?  
  
_ He spun, quickly. You could just make out the expression on his face, dazed, maybe flustered. His mouth was open, as if he’d spoken, though you doubted he had.   
  
 _You can’t get rid of me that easily.  
  
_ Kylo’s eyes narrowed, finally zoning in on you. You couldn’t tell from this distance, but a smirk may have crossed his face.   
  
You let out a short burst of breath, amused. It worked. It still worked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Follow me on tumblr at [theindifferentdroid](https://theindifferentdroid.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Kylo join efforts to escape the planet. Someone has reservations. Someone else might have a little too much faith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mind the new tags

The main landing pad at the city’s center was massive and in constant motion. There was an infinite hum of engines, the noise sounding less severe from three stories up. Actually, everything seemed quieter up here. Despite the busy happenings down below, it was almost peaceful now. Peaceful, at least, if you ignored your inner monologue that hadn’t seemed to stop screaming at you since you’d boarded Kylo’s fighter. It wasn’t much to listen to, not insightful or helpful, just a constant loop of variations of the same question:  _What the kriff are you doing?_  
  
The two of you had barely said a word since you’d called out to Kylo in the market. It was a sheepish reunion once he’d allowed you to catch up to him, like he didn’t want to admit what had just happened. Not that you blamed him. You hadn’t exactly given him fair warning. He was clearly affected, not meeting your eyes. After a few minutes of walking, the crowd thinned and the open hangar revealed itself. Kylo took a long look at the surroundings before mumbling, "This way."  
  
He had scouted the balcony from the chaos down below, and within minutes the two of you had weaseled your way through buildings and up stairwells to where you were now, leaning casually against the railing, still unspeaking. The stone was warm under your forearms, but there was at least a decent breeze a few stories up that played in the loose pieces of your shirt.  
  
Kylo’s demeanor had calmed significantly since you’d arrived on the landing, and it didn’t go unnoticed. His shoulders appeared to be more relaxed, and his face was devoid of the deep crease above his forehead that you began to wonder was a permanent part of his features. The feeling he emitted has softened significantly; it was no longer sharpness and jagged edges. "Are you feeling better?" you asked, breaking the silence that been hanging suffocatingly around you.  
  
"I’m fine."  
  
A scoff escaped your chest before you could tame your response. "You’re fine  _now_. But you weren’t earlier. You felt... off," you said. Your voice was soft; you made a point not to sound accusatory. "What’s going on? You’re not having second thoughts are you?"  
  
Kylo pushed himself up off of the railing in a swift motion. Just when your heart sank at the thought of him leaving, he spun around to lean against his back. Your positions caused a more noticeable than usual height difference, and he looked down at you with a calm countenance. His eyes, though, appeared a little wild.  
  
He sighed heavily and looked away before starting. "First of all, no, I’m not having second thoughts. Thanks for the vote of confidence." He cast a cheeky, sidelong glance at you before he continued. "I haven’t been... exposed like this in a long time. I can’t remember the last time I was in such a large crowd without my mask."  
  
Your brows narrowed involuntarily, your face contorting with a wave of skepticism. Kylo was still looking around like he wasn’t interested in his own conversation and continued anyway. "I guess I never realized how much it blocked out. It was almost sensory-depriving. It allowed me to focus just on what was ahead of me, helped drown out the excess feedback in a way." He paused, and you could tell his brain was still working, so you stayed quiet. He drew in a long, contemplative breath then rolled his lip between his teeth. "It may have been... too effective."  
  
"I –." You stopped. For some reason the words  _I’m sorry_  wanted to fall, too quickly, from your lips. You had nothing to apologize for. "That sucks."  
  
Kylo huffed a humorless laugh, and it fell silent again.  
  
"Did they make you wear it?" you asked.  
  
The way you said "they" – like it was sour, like it bit your tongue – made Kylo surge with fleeting resentment before his chest settled in agreement. It had only been hours since he’d left, but he had to admit that he felt the same way as you did about the First Order now. Agreeing with treasonous opinions was just something he would have to get used to.  
  
"It was my idea. At first." He paused. "Snoke. He, uh, he hated it. By the time I realized how stupid it was, it was too late. No one knew who I was, and he didn’t exactly want me to blow my cover. So..."  
  
There was something cold in his voice. A distance and detachment that echoed through every word he spoke. An uncomfortable shiver ascended your spine, and you hoped it wasn’t noticeable. You had never imagined what had happened to Ben after that night, that maybe someone else was behind it. You hated to admit you had hoped he was dead, at least for a short while, when the wounds–both mental and physical–were still fresh. You didn’t know much about Kylo’s life during the past years, but perhaps death would have been less damaging in a way.  
  
"You’ve been with them since..." You trailed off, hoping Kylo understood.  
  
"Yeah."

  
You sighed heavily. "Anyway," you said, your voice tainted with agitation. You continued to lookout over the hangar, casing the ships below. A few had caught your eye no matter how distracting the conversation had become.  
  
Kylo turned back around and leaned his forearms against the railing next to you. It didn’t go unnoticed how closely he had situated himself. The thick fabric of his tunic lightly grazed the exposed skin on your arm, and you schooled yourself to not react too harshly or back away too quickly. Kylo, you were quickly realizing, was like a neglected animal. There was a cause and effect to each interaction, every word, every look, every huff of indignation. Come off too strongly, and Kylo responded in kind, either cut off or exceedingly reactionary. On the other hand, he seemed to open up when he wasn’t feeling attacked, reverting, nearly, to an older version of himself. Some balance between the two was proving difficult to find.   
  
The point of contact against your arm moved minutely with his breathing, the fabric rough and stimulating and impressively warm against your skin. It was a physical reminder of where you were, of whose company you shared, if your brain had any impulse to wander. Kylo stood unnaturally still for being such a large presence. But it was a live sort of inaction; the air around him was churning. He wasn’t unmoving out of boredom. He was contemplating.   
  
The quiet allowed you some time to think and assess your situation. There was a pattern to the traffic down below, one that revealed itself after just a short observation. The spaces on the perimeter remained in constant motion. Ships would dock and take off a few minutes apart, droids scurrying in and out, loading and unloading. The center of the hangar, however, was far more interesting for your purposes. A few transports and freighters lay shiny and enticing and ripe for the taking. One in particular had been sitting, fairly undisturbed, since you’d arrived at your vantage point. There appeared to be only one person, a young man, occupying the shadow of the freighter. He was toeing the lines of the designated parking space, aloof and distracted.  _And weak-minded_ , you thought.   
  
"So which ship are you looking at?" Kylo asked, almost as if he were reading your mind. But he couldn’t. There was no way.  
  
"If you remember what my ship looked like before you made me abandon it," you blurted, distracting yourself from that dangerous line of thinking and pointing out to the middle of the hanger. Kylo leaned over to follow the line of your hand unnecessarily. His body heat was overwhelming in the humidity of the surrounding air. "It’s pretty similar to that one," you remarked. "However, since I have some options…."   
  
Adjusting your arm just slightly, you pointed now at the ship you’d been eyeing. It’s deep green paint shone wonderfully where the sun was able to reach it and gleamed still in the shadows of the buildings. There were some upgrades made to the weapons system you were sure, but you didn’t have a decent angle on the port side.   
  
"I’d like the BS-600."  
  
Kylo scoffed in amusement. You didn’t necessarily blame him. It was a bit much, perhaps too much, for your purposes, but it would more than meet your needs.  
  
"And you," you began again, elbowing Kylo as you pushed yourself off of the railing, "are going to get her for me." You turned on your heel, flashing Kylo a sly grin over your shoulder that was perhaps a little unnecessary as you walked away.  
  
"Me?" he asked after he caught up with you in a few large steps. "I thought you said you’d done this before?”  
  
"Oh, I have," you replied. You had reached the stairwell now and were trotting down them at a hurried pace. The dramatic effect of your silence was not lost, and the echoing bang of the durasteel steps was punctuation in every sentence you left unspoken. "However, you’re the reason I’m in this predicament in the first place, no?” You chanced a glance back at Kylo, who was unsurprisingly right on your heels. "Only fair that you get me out of it."  
  
The moment your foot hit the ground off the last step, a heavy hand was on your shoulder. You spun around quickly, defensively, even though you knew it was Kylo.   
  
"What?" you asked, clipped and a little curter than you’d meant it to come out.   
  
"I’ll be screwed if I get caught." His eyes were dark and his eyebrows were narrowed above them. He looked concerned, overly so. You imagined he was just trying to get out of the task at hand, but there was something raw about how he looked.  
  
Regardless, it needed to be done. "Then don’t get caught."  
  
You spun around to proceed to the hangar and began to speak in hushed tones once Kylo matched your pace. "There’s just a kid there. It shouldn’t be hard. Distract him while I take a look at the ship, make sure it’s in good condition." You paused to survey Kylo. He was basically marching forward now, head up. He seemed menacing.  _Good_ , you thought. He needed to be serious.   
  
"Once I’m sure everything looks good," you continued, lowering your voice even more, "I’ll give you the signal to...." You waved your hand through the air. "You know."  
  
Kylo stopped short. "No. I don’t know."  
  
You sighed, dropping your shoulders dramatically before turning to face him. "Go do your little mind trickery and get him to hand over the keys. Unless you’re forgotten how to do that."  
  
Kylo’s voice rose with indignation. "Of course I haven’t–"   
  
"Shh. Keep it down," you interrupted. "Let’s go."  
  
You nearly skipped off to the freighter, which was now only a few spots away. The boy was still shuffling around beneath the expanse of the ship, aloof as ever, his back to you and Kylo. He was a little older than he’d appeared to be from a distance, but teenagers were just as gullible as children sometimes. You shot your left arm out to your side, signaling for Kylo to sneak around the back of the ship, and you saw him move into your periphery.   
  
"Hey there!" you called.   
  
The boy froze for a second before composing himself and spinning around, careful to still keep his toe on the yellow painted line in the duracrete. He didn’t respond but eyed you suspiciously.   
  
"This your folks’ ship?" you asked, doing your best to keep your voice light and airy and as young as possible.   
  
The boy’s hand went straight into his right pocket, and you could see his fist ball up through the fabric.  _He’s got the keys,_  you sent to Kylo, hoping he heard you.  
  
"Who’s asking?" the boy replied.   
  
You jutted your chin up to signal behind him. "He is."  
  
The boy spun where he stood, not so carefully this time, and startled when he saw Kylo towering above him. You stole off up the ramp before anyone could notice you were gone.   
  
The ship was immaculate, just as if it has been plucked right out of the holos in which you’d lusted after it. You moved lightly, making your footsteps as quiet as possible. There likely wasn’t anyone else on the ship, not with how bored the kid appeared to be just outside, but you were cautious still.   
  
A deep voice suddenly cut through the silence.  _What the kriff am I supposed to distract this kid with?_  
  
You jumped, clasping a hand tightly over your mouth to stifle whatever sound you’d made in your surprise. You spun in a circle to check your surroundings, but you were alone.   
  
_Ben?_  
  
_Yeah. Who else? What am I supposed to do with the kid?_  
  
A nervous chuckle rattled your chest. It seemed Kylo was accepting of reopening your personal line of communication. Something flipped in your stomach at the thought, but you pressed on through the ship, ignoring it.   
  
_I don’t know. Talk about speeders or something. Teenagers love speeders, right?_  
  
You paused for a moment in the corridor, and after receiving no further feedback from Kylo, continued to check the freighter. About ten minutes later, you’d finished your assessment satisfied. The ship was in great condition and, more importantly, completely empty.   
  
Kylo looked up, cutting off his speech mid sentence, when he heard your footsteps on the ramp. The kid looked up too; he seemed less worried now, and you briefly wondered what Kylo had entertained him with.   
  
"Alright. Time to go."  
  
Kylo gave you a curt nod before looking back at the boy, who was suddenly back to his anxious state, jumping when he made eye contact with Kylo. You couldn’t blame him; Kylo’s gaze was severe and cold.   
  
"You will give me the keys, walk away, and forget we’ve ever spoken," Kylo said. His voice was steady and stern. Convincing.   
  
The boy’s hand went immediately into his pocket as he spoke, "I will give you the keys, walk away, and forget we’ve ever spoken." A moment later, the keys rattled into Kylo’s outstretched palm just before the boy turned to leave.  
  
You watched the boy as he disappeared out of your sight around the corner of the ship, and Kylo kept and eye on him as he continued to walk away, making sure he wasn’t coming back.  
  
"Well done," you said, bringing Kylo’s attention back to you.  
  
When his eyes met yours, your stomach sank reflexively. His brows were pulled tightly down, casting deep shadows over his eyes, and you just couldn’t get used to the darkness that seemed to seep from there. His jaw was clenched, and, even from a distance, could you see the muscles twitching in his face.   
  
"Ben?"  
  
He moved quickly, and you jumped slightly, schooling your movement once you realized he had only thrown the keys to you up the ramp. You barely caught them.   
  
"Good luck," he said.   
  
Kylo turned away in slow motion. For a moment it felt like time had actually stopped. Your brain processed no movement and no speech, as much as you willed it to. Your feet felt like magnets plastered to the durasteel floor of the ship. All you could do was watch Kylo walk away.   
  
"Wait! Ben!" You cringed at the tone of your voice, pleading and desperate and not at all how you wanted to sound. You doubled down on the suddenly desperate act and walked to the bottom of the ramp.  
  
He stopped walking, his shoulders rising and falling with a deep breath before turning to face you.   
  
"You don’t want me around, Y/N. Don’t act like you do."  
  
You began to retort, but Kylo cut you off as he took a few large steps to meet you where you stood and lowered his voice to a harsh whisper. "I know what I did, okay? If you think for a second that I don’t know what I did...." He paused for a moment, his fists balling up and releasing in bursts. "I know I hurt you. I hurt a lot of people. Kriff, Y/N. I killed people. And I’m hurting you now. I can’t feel it, for someone reason. I can’t feel anything from you. But I know you too well."  
  
You didn’t speak as Kylo eyed you dangerously. He didn’t blink, only darted his eyes across your face, like you were a puzzle he was attempting to solve. He spoke again after an uncomfortably long silence. "Every second you’re with me it kills you. You don’t want me here." He wasn’t asking you, and he wasn’t accusatory either. It was an admission.   
  
Never had you been at such a loss for words. The center of your forehead began to ache, your brain stuck on an infinite loop of Kylo’s deep voice.  
  
Your wrist comm tapped an alert silently against your wrist. Heat pooled in the tips of your ears as you looked down at it. You schooled your expression before looking up at Kylo again.  
  
"I need you, though," you spoke finally, still failing terribly to tame the desperation in your voice. "To pilot the ship."  
  
If it was possible for Kylo’s expression to devolve any further, it would have.   
  
You tried to recover quickly. "I can’t work out your problems, but I can give you something to do. And you get off this planet. You’ll be lucky if we haven’t been spotted already." You paused as if to check your surroundings, but you just needed to buy more time. "And besides, you owe me." _Your life_ , you thought, hopefully keeping that errant reflection to yourself.   
  
Your wrist comm beeped again and this time you caught some of the message before looking back up at Kylo. His face was as sullen as ever, and a deeper still pang of guilt shot through your chest.  
  
"If you’re coming, hurry up. I’ve got work to do."  
  
You turned away from Kylo, leaving him standing in the open ramp. Your footfalls against the metal corridor floors sounded distant as the blood rushed to your head. Heat pooled beneath your eyes, and you widened them, afraid to blink.   
  
The moment you were out of his sight, all composure left you, shoulders hunched and chest heaving with shallow breaths. You managed to walk the rest of the way to the cockpit where you collapsed into the pilot seat. Allowing yourself only a moment more of whatever emotion you were feeling, you screwed your eyes shut and wiped at them once, hard in finality. You blinked a few times to clear your vision, and began to power on the ship, flipping levers mindlessly until you froze. You lowered your hands into your lap and stared at the console. There was an indicator lit, blinking: RAMP DOWN. Your chest pounded at every flicker, your heart rate nearly in tune with the rhythm of the pulsing light. Each time it resumed to glow, your stomach sank a little lower. Kylo had likely walked away the second your back was turned.   
  
"I don’t need a damn co-pilot," you mumbled to yourself, proceeding with preflight protocols.   
  
When you were done, you caught one last glimpse at the blinking indicator. You stood up with a jolt, and huffed as you paused before walking to the back of the ship. "It’s fine. I can do this by my–"  
  
The light was off. The ramp was closed.  
  
You sank slowly back into your seat, listening for any signs of life aboard the ship. Not that it mattered. While difficult, you could technically pilot alone. So good riddance if Kylo left you. But it’s not like it would hurt if he tagged along either. You didn’t care either way.   
  
Maybe you did care, though. Maybe you cared more than you should. 

It’s true, what they say, about flipping a coin, how once it’s in the air, you suddenly know which outcome you’d prefer. It felt as if you’d reopened some old connection just by speaking into Kylo’s head. The thought of him leaving, of you being alone, sent an ache deep through your chest, branching out into your limbs.   
  
The sound of soft footfalls sent something like relief through your entire body, easing whatever ache was there. You tried to be still, tried to not turn around to look at Kylo, to give away how grateful you were in that moment, but you looked at him anyway.

There was a sort of resignation of Kylo’s face, in the way he took his lower lip into his mouth, or how his usually proud shoulders were hunched and drooping. But you didn’t have time to deal with that. Not now. At least he was here.   
  
"Have a seat," you said, turning back to the controls, actually going through with the actions this time.   
  
Kylo lowered himself heavily into the seat next to yours, and a shaky breath left your chest in silent relief.   
  
Just when you thought the silence was too much to bear, Kylo spoke up, his voice weak. "Where to?"  
  
——  
  
The ship eased seamlessly into hyperdrive and maneuvered just how you dreamed it would. Kylo proved, unsurprisingly, to be an exceptional copilot, engaging the controls just as you’d asked. It was almost uncomfortable how easily he had taken orders from you. That would be useful soon enough.   
  
He stood up only shortly after reaching hyperspace, stretching his body–which you absolutely refused to look at–as if he’d been seated for much longer. "I’m going to check the place out," he mumbled, and left without your acknowledgement. You didn’t protest.   
  
Even with the drone of the ship, the silence was heavenly. Kylo was a heavy presence to bear, and being with him constantly, especially unannounced, had worn you down. 

You huffed out a tired laugh.  
  
"Kylo kriffing Ren."  
  
The words were barely a whisper, more thought than said, but you needed to feel them leave your lips for the reality of the situation to hit you. For a moment, you toyed with the idea that it was all some sick joke, but that would have been too simple, and when had the universe ever provided you with the easy way out? Granted, you did allow him on the ship. But the strange events had been set in motion long before that.  
  
You pulled up your feet into the chair and wrapped your arms tightly around your legs. Settling your head back against the seat, you stared out into the blurred blue white beyond the viewport. Despite the speed of the ship, your life had come to a halt. Some indeterminate amount of hours had passed and you were finally getting time to process everything. As your mind began to drift, your eyes fluttered, but you allowed it. You didn’t mind how freely your mind wandered on the precipice of sleep, and you half hoped some revelation would reveal itself in the exhaustion.  
  
For reasons yet to be determined, you were hurdling through space on a stolen ship with a recently defected–and no doubt highly wanted–First Order commander. It was obvious there had been some under-negotiated terms to his time with the Order, but his motives were still lost in translation somewhere. He hadn’t quite gone into how he had been recruited, though you didn’t necessarily require the origin story; that was quite unfortunately available for you to relive in your own mind at any given moment.  
  
Perhaps letting your mind wander wasn’t the best idea in your current state.   
  
You looked at your wrist comm; it hadn’t stopped blinking since before you got on the ship. You had only logged in long enough to get coordinates and start heading a course. There were details to go over before you showed up for the job, but you weren’t due to arrive for another five hours, and you cautiously expected there would be time for that later.   
  
With a defeated sigh, you pushed yourself out of the pilot’s seat and stretched much like Kylo did. You had to admit it felt good, and perhaps some of the day’s tension was working itself out of your muscles. This cockpit was a far cry from the one you were cramped into earlier.  
  
Your pace through the ship was much more casual now that you weren’t preparing to steal it. The ship was truly impressive, its white and chrome walls gleaming from the bright overhead lights. You were pleased with your choice, and even more pleased with Kylo’s success in obtaining the beast of a ship for you. Perhaps he could be trusted. It was a simple task, though, you reminded yourself. There would be more room for improvement. You’d make it a point to hash out the details eventually.  
  
The longer you walked around, the more you realized the ship was just as pristine inside as it was on the exterior. It was both relatively new and exceptionally maintained. You almost felt sorry for the previous owner, but stamped out that feeling before it made you feel guilty. They’d get it back eventually. You just were in a little more need of it currently.  
  
The hallway wound to the right and you could hear movement above the clang of your boots on the durasteel flooring. You slowed your pace, softening your footing, all the while reminding yourself that you had cleared the ship before takeoff and that there was no need to worry. But still, even if it wasn’t a stranger aboard, Kylo still felt like one. It almost didn’t feel like you were sharing the space with a person, but a beast.  
  
The sounds grew louder and you focused on the doorway from which they emitted. You picked up your pace to a more natural gait, perhaps walking a little heavier than was necessary, but the last thing you wanted to do was sneak up on Kylo.  
  
You placed your hand on the wall before coming to a sharp stop in the doorway. "What are you–"  
  
Kylo cursed loudly, cutting you off, and after his body relaxed from the start, you both froze. He was in the fresher, with bright lights beaming down from around a mirror, which he was facing away from. His broad chest was only a few feet away from your face. He didn’t have a shirt on but was thankfully dressed otherwise.  
  
You suddenly felt hot, much too hot, and ran your hand over your face to attempt to wipe away any the flush that crept under your skin from embarrassment. Your eyes landed back on Kylo, trailing down his chest before ending abruptly at the high waist of his pants. Something caught your attention in the sink, which was barely visible between the side of Kylo’s torso and his hand that was planted on the edge of the counter. Not much was distinguishable there besides a mix of red and white.  
  
"What’s going on?”  
  
"I’m so sorry," Kylo blurted simultaneously, turning away from you to grab a shirt off the door of the sonic. He placed his arms in the shirt before in a swift motion and reached up to pull it over his head.  
  
"Wait!" you called.

Kylo froze as he was, shirt just beginning to ruffle his too-long hair. It was quiet for a beat, and when you didn’t speak again, he pulled the shirt away from his face to shoot you a quizzical look over his shoulder but otherwise stayed unmoving.   
  
You surveyed his bare back as you approached, your footsteps drowned out by sudden rush of blood through your ears. His broad shoulders were beginning to tense, and his back was stretched from the raised position of his arms. Your eyes wandered along the curve of his spine down to where his waist began to narrow. His shoulders drew your attention again as you got closer, well within arm’s length. Kylo could feel your breath against his back now, his entire body tensing from the sensation. He didn’t dare move being so unsure of your intentions, but his shoulders were beginning to ache from holding the raised position.  
  
Without warning, you reached up to put a hand on Kylo’s shoulder. His body jolted at the touch of your ice cold skin, but he played it off smoothly, or so he thought, by using it as an excuse to finally lower his arms in front of him, still encased in the shirt. His skin was hot and damp, but clean. You ran your thumb light as a feather over the lump of tense muscle that ran along the top of his shoulder. The skin was smooth and intact, nearly immaculate, save for a few old, faded scars.   
  
You withdrew your hand quickly, returning not a second later to flick his shoulder with your middle finger. His taut skin gave a satisfying thud, but you were sure he’d barely felt it.  
  
Kylo jerked away as much as the small space would allow and turned awkwardly around, bumping his elbow solidly into the wall and his hip onto the sink. His bare chest flashed quickly in your vision before he was in a position to continue pulling down his shirt. It was not the shirt he’d arrived in, you noticed, but it was still black.  
  
"What?" he asked, unassuming, just like guilty a child not yet ready to admit their wrongdoing. You pushed away the idea that being in Kylo’s presence was much too similar to babysitting.  
  
"Ben," you said, your voice heavy with admonishment.  
  
He wouldn’t meet your eyes now, and the air in the room suddenly tingled with something you couldn’t quite decipher. He reached back quickly and snatched the bloodied rag–you could see it now–from the sink before sidestepping you. The fresher was too small, however, and Kylo too big, that he only managed to slam his shoulder into the shower door, which resounded with a shaky clang. You placed a stiff hand against his chest, but pulled away quickly when the word  _Don’t_  rang through your head in a baritone voice.  
  
Ignoring his internal command, you spoke aloud. "You took a blaster bolt to your shoulder."  
  
Kylo nodded sheepishly as he idly twisted the rag in his hands.  
  
"There was.... You were bleeding... earlier."  
  
Kylo sighed. "That’s usually what happens when you get shot."  
  
"Do not get smart with me, Ben Solo." You craned your neck to attempt to look Kylo in the eye, but his gaze was plastered to his hands, his hair forming a curtain around his face. "What did you do?"  
  
"I don’t owe you an explanation," Kylo said through a clenched jaw. He didn’t yell, but you could tell his voice was relaxed with great effort.  
  
"You certainly do if you want to stay on this ship."  
  
He continued to fidget with the rag in his hands, and it suddenly bothered immensely you that he wouldn’t meet your eyes.  
  
"Look at me," you said. You balled your fists in an effort not to raise your hands to lift his chin yourself.  
  
He didn’t lift his head, only raised his eyes, but it was enough to see what you needed to see: that familiar honey brown, warm and nearly sun-soaked no matter where he was. They were still Ben’s eyes, of that you were certain.  
  
"Let’s... go talk somewhere else."  
  
No words were exchanged as you turned to leave the refresher, nor as he followed you down the hallways, or even when you found the kitchen and began searching for food. Kylo only trailed behind you, at a relatively comfortable distance, his socks–he’d apparently removed his boots, somewhere–shuffling along the slick durasteel floor as if he’d had no energy to lift his own legs.  
  
"Sit," you called over your shoulder as you rummaged through the cabinets. There wasn’t much stocked on the ship besides some ration bars, but if you had your way you wouldn’t be here very long anyway. You opened and slammed a few more cabinets before giving up the search for something else. Grabbing the handful of ration bars, you turned back towards the table. As you approached, you threw a bar a Kylo, and he caught it against his chest.  
  
"Looking for something else?"  
  
You shook your head silently, mouth already full with a bite of the bar by the time you sat down. Kylo only stared at you, waiting for you to finish chewing. "Don’t worry about it," you managed to say, voice thick with dryness from the bar.  
  
Kylo stood up from the booth quickly mumbling something under his breath that sounded like "be right back."  
  
"Ben!" you called after him. "We’re talking!"  
  
By the time Kylo returned, you’d forced yourself to swallow down half of the bar. Clinking against the table made you look up.  
  
On the table, Kylo had placed a bottle of liquor and an already used glass, the inside slick with the remnants of moisture. He shuffled–still only in his kriffing socks–across the kitchen to grab another glass and returned to set it down in front of you before taking his place again on the other side of the booth.  
  
"This what you were looking for?" he asked, removing the cork from the bottle with a satisfying pop.  
  
You answered by holding out your glass so he could pour a few fingers of the blue liquor before filling his glass equally. Bringing the drink to your lips, you resisted the urge to shoot it in one gulp but took a healthy sip. The warm temperature of the liquid did nothing to soothe the burning sensation it caused on the back of your tongue. A fortunate side effect, however, was that the taste of the ration bar was long forgotten.   
  
"Go on," you said, pausing to wince as the burn of the liquor seemed to strengthen with the intake of air. "Talk."  
  
Kylo eyed you over his glass, and, perhaps finally grasping the seriousness of your tone, decided to shoot the liquor himself. He stuck out his tongue in a dramatic show of disgust, and the edges were slightly tinged with blue. He’d clearly had another glass or two.  
  
"Let’s start with your shoulder," you said when Kylo reached for the bottle again and had shown no effort to continue the conversation. "And how you’re magically healed."  
  
Kylo dropped the bottle back onto the table unceremoniously. "It’s not magic," he shot back.  
  
"Yeah, whatever."  
  
His look was glaring, his brows pulled tightly over his deep eyes. A question was on the tip of his tongue, but you didn’t allow him to ask it. Not now at least.  
  
"You can heal," you said accusingly.  
  
"Only myself."  
  
It was your turn to be suspicious. You nodded once, very slowly, trying to decide if you should believe him or not. Taking a deep breath through your nose, you sat up in the booth to reach for the bottle of liquor again. It was just out of your reach, but Kylo made no move to be of assistance, until the bottle slid effortlessly and untouched across the table the extra few inches it needed to reach your hand. You relaxed back into your seat with the bottle. You didn’t thank him.  
  
It was your turn to speak, and you knew Kylo wouldn’t voluntarily do so unless prompted, so you took your time. You emptied your glass in one strong swallow and poured out another helping. It was more than Kylo had poured for you, the heaviness of the bottle tipping the neck a little deeper than you’d liked, but you imagined you wouldn’t have any trouble finishing it if the night kept proceeding as it was.  
  
There were so many questions you had. So many things you wanted to know, but just as many truths that you’d be fine with avoiding. Maybe it was the alcohol finally hitting you, but you couldn’t form a complete question about any specific topic. Your mind was just an endless loop of  _Why? Why? Why?  
  
_ "The healing thing," you spoke without thinking. "That takes a lot of Dark energy?"  
  
"I’m not a Sith. If that’s what you’re asking."  
  
"Not what I asked."   
  
Not what you asked, but exactly what you meant.   
  
Kylo’s knuckles had turned white suddenly as his grip tightened around his glass. "Since we’re asking questions," he began, stopping to take a slow sip of his drink. "Why can’t I get any feedback from you? It’s almost like–"  
  
"We’re not talking about me right now," you interrupted. "Actually, we’re not going to talk about me. Ever." You held back a wince at your own words. Your tongue had become a little looser over the last few minutes. Closing your lips tightly, you forced yourself to choose your next worse more carefully. "Ground rules," you spat.   
  
"Ground rules," Kylo repeated skeptically.   
  
"As far as I’m concerned, you work for me now."  
  
Kylo’s cocky side began to peek through again, and he raised his arm to the back of his seat and leaned back casually. "Do I?" A dangerous smirk cracked his face.  
  
You should have assumed that wouldn’t pass with Kylo. "Okay, maybe you don’t work for me, but we’re coworkers now, at the very least. Are you agreeable to that?"  
  
Kylo adjusted in his seat. "Am I ‘agreeable?’ Kriff, Y/N. You don’t need to be so..."  
  
You shot him a look you knew he couldn’t ignore, one he’d seen countless times when the two of you were younger. He contained his smirk quickly  
  
"I’m agreeable. Sure," he said.   
  
You nodded. "And as coworkers,"–Kylo scoffed at the word–"we should maintain a professional relationship," you said.  
  
"Professional?"  
  
"That’s what I said."  
  
Kylo pursed his lips, stewing over your words. He opened his mouth as if to speak, sighed, and took a sip of his drink again.   
  
You continued. "No personal questions. No fun facts. None of that bantha shit you pulled back on your ship."  
  
"What bantha shit?"  
  
You laughed, short and clipped, and spoke in a deep voice badly mocking Kylo’s. "We’re meant for each other." You rolled your eyes and dropped the accent. "That was a nice little act, but you’re here now. I let you come with me. Isn’t that what you wanted?”  
  
Kylo opened his mouth almost instantly to respond, but he paused for a moment, taking time to process what you had said. “Y/N,” he spoke slowly. “It wasn’t–”  
  
“Don’t,” you cut him off. “Ben, just don’t.”  
  
“Don’t what, Y/N?” he asked, voice steadily rising. “Don’t tell you the truth?”  
  
You stood up quickly. “Ben…”  
  
“It wasn’t an act!” Kylo bellowed, slamming his glass against the table. The glass shattered, sending shards across the table.  
  
Kylo stared down at the mess he made. His chest was heaving but he looked calm otherwise, but you knew his mind was anything but calm. You imagined it was quite the same as yours, admonishing him with every curse you would think of. Of course you knew how he felt; you’d have to be blind to not notice it, and you were anything but blind with Kylo. But the idiot had to go and tell you. You couldn’t play dumb any longer.  
  
“Day one and you’ve already broken the rules. Congratulations.” You picked up your glass and downed the rest of your drink in one swallow. “Excuse me. I’ve got work to do.”  
  
You had to get out of there before you let your feelings slip yourself. You couldn’t.  
  
You’d made the rules, after all.


End file.
